Yesterday I was dealing with some anger. My husband work from 1am to 1pm again and he really wanted to go to bed when the kids and I arrived home. But I wanted to get in an extra boot camp session. Since bootcamp was earlier on Tuesday I could go and get back early enough for David to get to bed early. Wouldn’t you know that Tyler would throw a fit? he wanted to go with me, he didn’t want me to leave. Why do I have to workout and daddy doesn’t?
I was so mad at myself. Why did I get like this? why did I gain 110 pounds (160 graduation weight to my 273 highest?)? Why did I decide to do something about it after I had kids and less time? Why did I completely give my 20’s away?
Of course bootcamp sucked. it was sprints with some of the nasty things like squat jumps and squat thrust and more. During the 2.5minute heavy cardio finish My trainer Steve said: “If you are hating me right now then you are putting in the right amount of effort.” But I wasn’t hating him I was hating me. I did this to myself, he was helping me.
I feel this journey consumes so much of my time and effort. I am constantly thinking about food and what I am eating. How many calories, how many carbs/protein. Did I burn enough calories, did I drink enough water? I plan my meals 2 weeks out at a time. ugh..I just want a day that I get up and eat and don’t think about this.
BUT I did make this decision to get healthy, to drop the weight, To allow that hot mama that is inside me to come out. I know she is there, last week I saw her boob!! they were cute! the week before my husband was seeing her butt! This week I am noticing a more defined waist..Today I put on a fitted top with the plan to wear a sweater over it. That way I could feel hot that I had a fitted top on and but not have to worry about what other thought…it wasn’t like spandex it just wasn’t super loose. Well before covering up with the sweater I looked in the mirror. I looked good! I could wear that shirt without fear of people talking behind my back that I am crazy for wearing a fitted shirt. I had curves…the good kind.
The craziest thing happened while walking down the hallway, someone stopped me to say how great I looked…”I was melting away”. At first I tried to push the complement off..my response was “oh I haven’t really lost any weigh I have been bouncing up and down.” but then I remembered that I need accept the complements..I need to believe in what others are seeing. So I added to my response: “I am really trying to be good with my food, and build up my strength.” ……Guess what their response was: “IT SHOWS!”
I just want to add that his week I have been tracking my food..like really really tracking my food. Some things are shocking like the 2 cup of grapes ate up so many of my calories and carbs. on top of it I am trying to cut back on my Peanut butter…that didn’t work. I was going to try some of Those powdered PBs but then I decided to quit Peanut butter. This week I made the decision not to buy Peanut butter. I need to stop eating it by the spoonful…I am in withdraw. I am watching “I use to be Fat'” and first I have to say that the trainer is kind of hot!! Sorry I am off track! This weeks “former fat person” just described his relationship with peanut butter. It sounded like mine! I have had my daily calories but I am so hungry today..I hit my protein goal. I guess I need to go to bed and not think about it.