There are years of my life that i dont really remember. I did things, we went out, went camping, ect. But I hid. I never took photos of myself. I thought I was happy but I knew I wasn’t. I hated being fat and because of it I missed out on things. I have no idea how much i weigh then I see photos and I drives me nuts. it so nasty. I know during that time period i wasn’t depressed as it reads in the dictionary but i was hold back, playing life safe and putting up a good front. Its amazing how easy it is for your weigh to drive your happiness. But realizing that the numbers on the scale runs my life, shows how sick I am and how I am still sick.
Today i weigh in and i was up 1.8 pounds. Now i know that i did eat some bad things and i know that i did not drink enough and its that time of the month. I am sure if i were to weigh myself again tomorrow I would see a different number. But I can not weigh in again tomorrow because i have already over come that part of this fat disorder. I use to weigh myself everyday…sometimes more than once. But the weight gain all 1.8 really messed up my day. I am in a funk and pissed that i am further from my goal. Basically I know i will not meet my goal of being at 200 by my bday. 21 pounds in 8 weeks..I don’t expect it to happen. But stranger things have happened.
So in an effort to get out of this funk I have a new focus to get to my pre-pregnancy weight by the 25th of October. That would be about 10 pounds in 4 weeks. So that is just as bad but I am trying to focus.
I need to get tighter on my nutrient and learn to not let the numbers on the scale drive my life.