Fat disorder

There are years of my life that i dont really remember.  I did things, we went out, went camping, ect.  But I hid.  I never took photos of myself.  I thought I was happy but I knew I wasn’t.  I hated being fat and because of it I missed out on things.  I have no idea how much i weigh then  I see photos and I drives me nuts. it so nasty.  I know during that time period i wasn’t depressed as it reads in the dictionary but i was hold back, playing life safe and putting up a good front.  Its amazing how easy it is for your weigh to drive your happiness.  But realizing that the numbers on the scale runs my life, shows how sick I am and how I am still sick. 

Today i weigh in and i was up 1.8 pounds.  Now i know that i did eat some bad things and i know that i did not drink enough and its that time of the month.  I am sure if i were to weigh myself  again tomorrow I would see a different number.  But I can not weigh in again tomorrow because i have already over come that part of this fat disorder.  I use to weigh myself everyday…sometimes more than once.   But the weight gain all 1.8 really messed up my day.  I am in a funk and pissed that i am further from my goal.  Basically I know i will not meet my goal of being at 200 by my bday.  21 pounds in 8 weeks..I don’t expect it to happen.  But stranger things have happened.

So in an effort to get out of this funk  I have a new focus to get to my pre-pregnancy weight by the 25th of October.  That would be about 10 pounds in 4 weeks.  So that is just as bad but I am trying to focus.

I need to get tighter on my nutrient and learn to not let the numbers on the scale drive my life.