Fat disorder

There are years of my life that i dont really remember.  I did things, we went out, went camping, ect.  But I hid.  I never took photos of myself.  I thought I was happy but I knew I wasn’t.  I hated being fat and because of it I missed out on things.  I have no idea how much i weigh then  I see photos and I drives me nuts. it so nasty.  I know during that time period i wasn’t depressed as it reads in the dictionary but i was hold back, playing life safe and putting up a good front.  Its amazing how easy it is for your weigh to drive your happiness.  But realizing that the numbers on the scale runs my life, shows how sick I am and how I am still sick. 

Today i weigh in and i was up 1.8 pounds.  Now i know that i did eat some bad things and i know that i did not drink enough and its that time of the month.  I am sure if i were to weigh myself  again tomorrow I would see a different number.  But I can not weigh in again tomorrow because i have already over come that part of this fat disorder.  I use to weigh myself everyday…sometimes more than once.   But the weight gain all 1.8 really messed up my day.  I am in a funk and pissed that i am further from my goal.  Basically I know i will not meet my goal of being at 200 by my bday.  21 pounds in 8 weeks..I don’t expect it to happen.  But stranger things have happened.

So in an effort to get out of this funk  I have a new focus to get to my pre-pregnancy weight by the 25th of October.  That would be about 10 pounds in 4 weeks.  So that is just as bad but I am trying to focus.

I need to get tighter on my nutrient and learn to not let the numbers on the scale drive my life.

decisions

24 hours a day and 36 hours of commitments.  When I am at work I feel like i need to be with my kids..when I leave work i feel like I should be working overtime.  When I am home i feel like i should be working out.  When i am working out i feel like i should be cleaning the house.  So what do you do? 

210 Burpies

My post MWBV plan is to make it to Next level athletic performance at least 3 times a week.  Its not as easy when its fiscal year end at work.  While i have not been doing too much YE work i have had a lot budget crap.  Thankfully that has kept me in my office and away from the cubes and cubes of food.  But working late had not helped me make it to Next level.  This week have been very intense workouts that I really needed.  I went on Monday and then again on Thursday.  Friday I got my period and was very tired  i really considered not going but I have to put myself first and i need to hit that 3times a week mark.

I almost turned around and walked out when i arrived.  There it was on the board my nightmare……Ladder 20 down burpies and KB Swings.  so you do 20 burpies and 20 KB Swings, then 19 burpies and 19 KB swings……down to 1.  It sucks  all 210 of them.      Steve and Cassie say “you get out of the work out what you put into it”  I had to finish.. The last time we had this workout i slipped a disc in my back and i only made it to 13 before i had to do squat jumps.  I had to do this to show myself what progress i had made over the last 4 months.

At one point i could not get my breathing under control – i thought i was going to hyperventilate.  I had side splitting pain on my right side, of course it was sore from the night before.

45 minutes later i was the only one left trying to complete this self imposed touchier.  Cassie told me not think about the pain, to think about what i have left.  She counted as i finished that last 3 sets…Finally i was done ..then i realized that i had pain in my hand.  I had at some point ripped the callous off my hand..Now that is a beast of a workout!

Today all i want is fried food. I was like a fried chicken wrap.  But why do 210 burpies to end up eat fried chicken?  So while i am sore and tired today i am thankful that I completed the burpies to keep me on track today.  I am going to reward myself another way not with food maybe a pedi or scrapbook a page or 2.   19 pounds and less then 9 weeks to my goal.

Motivated

For the last few weeks I really have not had any motivation, i was working out 2 times a week and eating healthy but i was also sneaking a lot.  It really shows in my weight loss…1 pound, .4 pounds and stayed the same.  Then I had to step up, I needed to lose 1.8 pounds by today to win my bet at work.  So i went to Next level 2 times last week, worked out once at home, hiked while camping up a nasty hill and ate right.  This morning i weight in at 219.6  (3.2 pound loss).    It really renewed my strength, will power and motivation.  I am 9 weeks from my birthday, 9 weeks from my goal deadline and 19.6 pounds away.  I need to do this.  Its time to stay focused, stay on track.

Tonight is the biggest loser premier, its gut wrenching to watch.  I feel so bad for the contestants that are not Moving onto the ranch but at the same time I know it can be done at home.   You have to just do it, you have to make the right decision.  The right decision some times its every minute, every minute you have to decide what to and what not to put into you mouth.   Some days this is easy and some days its not. 

So yes today i had 2 pieces of candy…but i am not dwelling on it I am moving on.  I think about what i did right, like i drank alot of water today!!  In 8.2 pounds i will be back to my pre-pregnancy weight..that is motivation!

44.6 for the year!